Do you find yourself always answering - How are you? With 'fine' when in reality you're far from it? I do this all the time. We lie a lot don't we. You know what some days I am just 'fine' but lately I'm the furtherest from 'fine' you can get. A good friend asked me yesterday how I was and I answered with my standard 'fine' and obviously my face told another story and this good friend knew I was far from 'fine' and asked me again and I literally broke down there and then in the carpark and let it all out. Gosh it felt good. Embarrassing but good because for once I wasn't lying to myself. I always put on such a good front and most people wouldn't have a clue that I'm going through the most challenging time in my entire life thus far. The last twelve months have broken me down on every level possible. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically you name it I've been broken down and I feel stripped bare of all my armour and this wall that I normally put up to protect myself is no longer there. I want to scream from the top of the highest building 'someone help me' because I'm barely surviving and I don't know where to start to get back to the Beck that everyone knows and the Beck that I want to be. The mother that my children deserve.
Did you know that those who appear to be really strong..really are the most sensitive? Did you know that those who spend all their time protecting others...sometimes really need someone to protect them? Did you know that three of the hardest things to say are: I love you, I'm sorry & Help me.. ♥
Have you ever been so drained of everything and feel stripped bare?
How did you get your 'light' back?
Oh Beck, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. It's so true, i often find myself saying i am fine when i'm really not.. your very lucky to have a friend that knows you so well and you had a chance to get it off your chest. I hope sharing with her and us somehow help to lead you back to your light. You deserve it.
ReplyDeletexx
Oh dear Beck. We spend our lives trying to be so strong don't we? I think once we become Mama's particularly, it just feels like from that point on... we're it! We have to be the grown up's, the nurturers, the providers, the protectors, the ones who battle on... despite how fragile we may be feeling. From only 'knowing' you through your blog for a couple of months now, I can see you have been through the works. I can see you have a huge heart and a beautiful positivity about you, because it shines through in how you write and the things you write about. But I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much inner (and outer) turmoil.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping you are now at the bottom, because although it's low and a bad place to be, once you're there, you can only start to go up again.
Once you're operation is complete, I have a feeling you will see a difference in life over all. There is nothing harder than battling physical pain and distress, whilst trying to juggle this crazy ride we call life.
Keep finding joy in the simple things, if you can... practically everything you write about on this blog (this post excluded) because there are so many wonderful things being recorded in this little part of cyberspace. Big hugs xo
Hey Beck.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're going through such a very rough time.
I think it is so easy for us to get really run down, to burn out and to always put ourselves last, even more so when you are in so much physical pain, too. :(
I really hope things start to improve for you, you deserve it! How lovely to have a friend like that, too. :)
x
Yes, yes and yes. I've been there Beck. Much love from me to you. I'm another that tends to internalise all the bad, so perhaps not a great deal of help in that regard. The thing that I try to keep in mind during the worst times, is that life is a wheel - there's always an upswing following the downswing. I've experienced it enough times to know it's true. You've just got to live in the moment, even when that moment sucks, knowing that the upswing is *just* around that corner - it really is, you know ;) Hang in there, try to find pleasure in the little things, even when the big things suck! And know that there are people out there, thinking of you xoxo
ReplyDeleteHey gorgeous. I hate not being close to you during this difficult time in your life :( Just know that I am thinking of you and am always here for a chat or if you need a phone to cry into xxx
ReplyDeleteBeck - this must be so hard for you right now, but there is light coming and from there you will find more and more and it will grow. It is hard to be perky when you feel like your back is killing you. Keep talking, talking, talking. Choose who gets your 'fine' face and who doesn't and let them help, even if it is to just listen.
ReplyDeleteThe Story of the Butterfly
ReplyDeleteA man found a cocoon of a butterfly.
One day a small opening appeared.
He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours
as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.
Then it stopped, as if it couldn't go further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.
The butterfly emerged easily but
it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch it,
expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge
and expand enough to support the body,
Neither happened!
In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life
crawling around.
It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness
and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle
required by the butterfly to get through the opening
was a way of forcing the fluid from the body
into the wings so that it would be ready
for flight once that was achieved.
Sometimes struggles are exactly
what we need in our lives.
Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been
and we would never fly.
That for me sums up the difficult times we go through. Sometimes we have to squeeze in through those small holes into the tight spots to remind us what freedom will feel like when we do get to the other side.
Babe, you've been through so much this past year. Don't feel like you are trivialising what you're going through either. With so many changes, it's inevitable that your mind might give away at some stage.
You're a strong woman Beck. Let your guard down and let some others in to help. Love ya.
Thank you so much girls for all of your support and lovely words. I truly appreciate it. I know there is always going to be an upwards swing in life but when you're feeling so low it's hard to see isn't it? I've been meditating a lot and focusing on all the amazing things and people in my life for which I'm very grateful and it's definitely helping. Even getting it off my chest on here has helped a lot.
ReplyDeleteSteph- I love that analogy, thank you so much for sharing xxx
Good for you! You should always be yourself. Happy of sad. We are what we are and true friends will accept us, tears and all.
ReplyDeleteI find that people nowadays always respond with 'busy' rather than fine!
I hope you are feeling better. The 100 followers should help :-) Congrats! And welcome to And then there were four too x
Bec,
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and hoping that from this moment of darkness will come long streaks of sunshine.
I try and remind myself that whenever Im at my lowest, it is an opportunity to reflect on where I am at and what I want and need to change.
Be kind to yourself and ask for help...its hard being vulnerable and sometimes easy to feel weak for not being able to hold it together all the time but to me, it's a sign of inner strength - Being real, honest and human.
Keep on keeping real!